Dark Times

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Edgar Underhill

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Race : Halfling

Gender : Male

Age : 30

Profession : ???

Homeland : Unknown

I’d like to say that my story is exciting, or dramatic, or possibly even thrilling, but I have to confess that I can claim no greater encomium for it than what it deserves.  I am sure that after hearing it, you will agree that it’s - in all respects - neither great nor no less than strange.  I am, you see, a Halfling: a member of that proud and resilient race so often underestimated by taller races to be no more than the sum of our inches.  As a Halfling, I am prone to the petty foibles and tendencies of my kind.  Or, at least, I should greatly imagine that I am, for, you see, I have absolutely no knowledge of myself or of my previous life prior to a fortnight ago; however, I allow myself to get ahead of my story when I should get behind it (as all good storytellers should).
The story, you see, all begins with my big toe.  It happened one night that I was awakened from a rather sound and pleasant slumber by an incessant itching of said toe that had intruded upon a pleasant and slightly stimulating dream of being rubbed down with scented oils by a rather becoming young faun.  The itch was relentless enough to not be ignored, and so out of place in the otherwise pleasant nocturnal caper that it penetrated my consciousness as something that should not be.  After acquitting myself of my oneiric reveries and abasing myself of any hope of being able to return to them, I made a great effort of will and reached down to scratch myself (for no rubbing of toe upon toe seemed to suffice).  Instantly I was to forget all manner of concern for the itching when a thunderous clap in the head knocked me prone once again.  I lay there, dazed and confused, wondering what could have happened as the dull throb in my brain subsided.  Upon fully regaining my wits, I realized that somehow I had managed to find myself laid out in some sort of a box.  I endeavored to remember how I had come to be in such a state, but I found that the knock on the head must have befuddled me and that I could not even remember my own name.

          Upon pushing upward on the top of the box, I found that it swung upward easily upon a somewhat creaky hinge.  I was totally alone in the dark.  I say totally alone with a bit of unease, for I do not reliably know this to be the case, but, upon sitting upright, I endeavored to listen for the sounds of any other, and, hearing none, I called out with a rather weak “hello’ and was greeted with only the echo of my own voice.  I assumed at this time that I was in a rather small room, possibly made of stone due to the manner in which my own voice had returned to me.  This confused me, for I had no memory of where I was or how I had arrived here.
Once the throbbing in my head had subsided, I set about to find out where I was and how I had come here.  Not knowing what surrounded me, I loosed a button that I felt on my garment and dropped it over the side of the box.  Hearing the expecting ping it made from hitting the ground, I felt it was safe to climb down, and I found myself soon standing upon a cold and damp floor that felt not unlike some very smooth and polished stone.  I dropped to my knees and felt around, looking for some exit.  It was rather dirty, and I’ll have to admit that I was somewhat uncertain as to what sort of vermin I might run across in my search.  Why, for all the world, had someone put me in a box in a basement?  I’ll have to admit that, for all my puzzlement, I also felt fairly perturbed by this, as I was certain that it had not been my own choice of a resting place.  After only a little searching, I was able to locate one of the walls of room and found—a good three feet or so up the wall—a sort of niche with yet another box within it.  I banged on it hoping to awaken some fellow slumberer, but, receiving no response, I continued my search for a door.  Eventually, I found what felt like a large metal door with no sort of handle upon it.  It took quite a while to get it open for, thankfully, it pushed outward instead of pulling inward, enabling me to finally open it by throwing my shoulder into it. 

It seems I had found a bit of a stairs leading upwards to a gate which exited to the outdoors.  I alighted the steps with alacrity and found that the gate gave little resistance. It was nighttime, but the moonlight that shone down was enough to allow me to make my way more easily.  Once outside, I realized that I was in some sort of burial ground.  I was still confused as to how I had gotten there, but I assumed it must have been some kind of a ghastly joke or else a horrible mistake.  I mused for a second that perhaps I was truly dead and had somehow risen from my own grave; however, a rumbling in my belly convinced me that I was still alive and not some revenant returned from beyond the Stygian shores since my craving were for a cup of hot tea and a bowl of steaming oatmeal with maple syrup and not for human flesh or blood or any of the other things I imagined I would have craved had I really returned from the dead as some sort of ghast or ghoul.  Turning to look at the tomb I had just arisen from, I noted the name on it—Edgar Underhill—and being currently without a name of my own, decided that it would have to make do for me until my memory returned.

There’s little more to the story than that.  I wandered for a few days through the wilderness until I came upon signs of civilization (this very town!), though I suppose I must have simply gone in an awkward direction since cemeteries aren’t usually located in such remote locations.  Nonetheless, I am here now, and I suppose that it’s as good of a place as any.  I’m certain that my memories will return to me some day, and then I’ll be able to make my way to my home.  I suppose it would be prudent to search out some sort of family or friend who may be missing me, but that seems far too haphazard of an endeavor considering that nature is bound to return me to an enlightened condition with very little effort on my own part anyways.


"Where am I? What happened to me? Where did I come...Oh look, cupcakes!"

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